Dancing Queen

May 23, 2018August 13, 2018 / graceandfbombs / Leave a comment

I was part of an incredible event this past weekend, where I had the honor of being a bridesmaid for one of my oldest friends. The wedding was a beautiful celebration of hope, of love, of overcoming adversity, and with all eyes focused on the future life and family the newlyweds will create together. There’s the promise to have and to hold through the good and the bad and to embrace both experiences as there are lessons in both.

I think, too, that it’s a promise and an exercise that carries beyond marriage vows. Seeing the joy in the everyday, loving with wild abandon, fully experiencing life without worrying about judgement, and the beautiful lessons in challenges, can carry you through all that life has to offer.

It’s a message I chose to embody after news we received on Friday.

I had a head CT scan on Thursday because I’ve been experiencing persistent headaches. When the on-call doctor called me the next day, I wasn’t expecting the vague but concerning answer. While there’s no evidence of prominent metastatic disease, there is an “area of concern” in the center of my brain where there is a thickening of tissue. Because of a scan I had back in October, they have a baseline in which to compare my most recent scan to, where this area of concern did not exist. In fact, they said that my brain was unremarkable 🤨

I am now the lucky recipient of another MRI, scheduled for this Thursday.

I told a dear friend yesterday that this journey is teaching me lots of virtues, one being patience. Patience in waiting for an answer, in dealing with the insurance company, in not jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Another is faith. Faith in that I was put on this Earth to accomplish more than the meager impact I’ve had thus far, in that I WILL see my girls graduate or get married or become mothers themselves, in that this is NOT how my story is supposed to end…

At the reception, I danced until my legs were begging for a break. I danced until I was so hot I whipped my wig off without a care in the world of who might judge me or be shocked.

I danced because I COULD.

My lovely village, I hope you will choose to do the same.

Love and light, always 💜

she

Well, fuck.

March 21, 2018July 23, 2018 / graceandfbombs / Leave a comment

This image brings me to tears. The sheer joy and confidence she shows here is just so stunning, it takes my breath away.

And while her leap is impressive in its own right, what makes it so special is the story behind HOW she got to this point.

What we don’t see is the hours and hours of dance practice. The tears earned from falls or exhaustion or improper stretching. The desire to quit or just take a break from it all. The feeling that, no matter how hard she tried, she would “never get it”.

This girl, this incredible and smart and strong girl, the one who blessed me with the name Mumma…she teaches me something everyday. She, many times, shoves me out of my comfort zone and makes me heart-breaking-ly EARN that right.

The night before chemo is the hardest. She knows and I know what’s coming. We both head to bed, following our same bedtime routines that inevitably don’t happen as planned. I hear her pace back and forth to the bathroom or I hear her footsteps coming down the stairs, hours past bedtime. And after a short conversation, we both head back to her bed for me to tuck her in.

Mumma, what happens if you die?
What is going to happen?

Well, fuck.
Thankfully, that is not what tumbled out of my mouth.

I told her, through my tears and hers, that that would not be happening if I had anything to do with it. That is why I’m doing this thing that makes me so sick, I question my sanity. That is why, even though I could barely stand, I would be going to her dance comp that following weekend – to show her I wasn’t going anywhere.

But.

If it did happen, I wouldn’t be going down without one hell of a fight. And we have plans and things in place if that was to happen, cancer or no cancer.

In that moment, she blessed me yet again. I became even more DETERMINED to live the hell out of this life.

It gets hard to see the positive in this experience. It gets hard to feel confident that we are strong enough to make it through. It is DAMN hard to see what the lesson is in this.

Being able to witness her soaring through the air? THAT is the best lesson, if you ask me.

Love and light, always 💜❣️💜

Badassery

February 17, 2018July 23, 2018 / graceandfbombs / Leave a comment

I’m a mutant!

I figured, with my new status, I should have some kind of alter ego…this one seems to fit the bill:
Purple hair
Badass attitude
RBF
Perfect body <in progress>
Perfect rack <coming soon>

In all seriousness, I received a call from my genetic counselor (yes, you get one of those sometimes with this diagnosis). Turns out, we have the answer as to why I developed breast cancer, seemingly out of nowhere with barely any family history.

I have the BRCA2+ and CHEK2+ genetic mutations. You can Google the specifics, if you’d like, but the short of it is that I have an increased lifetime chance of up to 85% of developing breast cancer (of course, the ONE TIME I am like the general population ) and an increased chance of developing ovarian, colon, pancreatic, and skin cancers.

It’s overwhelming to think, that just by existing, my body is a ticking time bomb…waiting for the moment that proteins combine just right or for a cell to grow or reproduce just slightly off kilter and BAM…

BUT, if you know me…. Fuck that noise.

So, we’re doing the bilateral mastectomy (already decided). I will possibly have my ovaries removed during that surgery (they will be coming out regardless). I will need to have colonoscopies every 3-5 years with yearly GI appointments. I will need to have photo documented dermatology appointments every year.

Because I’ll be damned if I don’t get to see my girls grow up- all the way up.
Because I’ll be damned if I don’t get to love – and torture – M for the rest of ever.
Because I’ll be damned if I have to do this again.

I really like this super hero image I found. I’m imagining the pink fire she has shooting out of her hand as love. ‘Cause #lovealwayswins.

Love and Light, Always

Happy Dance!

February 7, 2018July 23, 2018 / graceandfbombs / Leave a comment

Happy Dance Time!

At my Thursday nurse’s appointment, we were told that my white blood cell and platelet count was way lower than they had hoped, even with the immunobooster shot. We scheduled a follow up lab for Monday.

They’re up!!!! Even better than my baseline (levels before chemo)! That means we can continue on pace 😁😁😁

Today, I had the (un)fortunate experience of a colonoscopy. Honestly, the procedure (aside from the bellyache and exhaustion post procedure) was easy compared to the prep. Oh God, the prep…the thought of the massive gallon of yuck they make you drink is still making me gag 🤢 Anyway….the colonoscopy was ordered to explore the hotspot in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen found on my PET scan.