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Grace and Gratitude

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One of my guilty pleasures is watching The Voice. We don’t watch TV in our house but you better be sure that you’re quiet and out of Mama’s way when it’s on.

This season, there’s a contestant named Rayshun LaMarr, whose enthusiasm for life is just…well, bigger than life. Aside from his talent, he has this big, charismatic personality that is driven by his gratitude for everything.

At first, I thought to myself – he’s a little strange, there’s something “off” about him. I mean, no one can be THAT happy ALL of the time. Now, granted, we don’t see all of the moments as it is a TV show, but something about his energy and joy made me think about how we view the world. I mean, here I am, in my little bubble of the universe *judging* a complete stranger because he’s TOO happy. As if, being filled with joy and grace, makes him strange or that there’s something wrong with him. Why do we become uncomfortable when someone expresses genuine gratitude?

What if, maybe, there’s something wrong with our lens?

This journey has taught me quite a bit. One of the bigger lessons, though, has been about this scandalous generosity we’ve been blessed with and my response to it. There have been so, so many times that I have felt that words alone, nevermind a simple thank you, could ever properly express the sheer size of my gratitude. I worry that my expression of thanks lacks in its ability to accurately communicate how much your action filled me with love or made my life better.

Here’s a request folks. Along with me, let’s change out our lenses. Let us live our lives with intentional thanksgiving and acknowledge our positive contributions to this world with a hearty “you are so welcome”. Let us experience the joy of the sunshine AND the rain.

After all, if you are feeling the warmth of the sun or the coolness of the storm, it means that you are ALIVE.

With my new lens on, I leave you with this:

Thank you.

Love and light, always 💜tg

Unexpected Blessings

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I was sitting amongst the other parents at a birthday party. Quite frankly, I cannot even recall what it was we were discussing when a man, a dad of one of the kids, approached me. He had been standing, separate from the mostly mom group, watching his daughter attempt gymnastic feats through a glass doorway.

Can you do something for your Father?

I stared back at him, completely bewildered, and said, I’m sorry, what???

He repeated himself while pointing his finger to the ceiling. Again, bewildered, I answered him a “sure”. I was decidedly unsure but was open to having him continue. He said he was compelled to pray for me, took my hand upon asking, and prayed in Hebrew. He instructed me to repeat a phrase, Elohim Lee, Lo’erah, at the end. He told me that the rough translation of the prayer he said and the phrase I repeated asked God, the Father to heal me in all that ails me and to say this phrase whenever I was sick or scared.

I thanked him for the prayer and turned back to the now silent group.

Was it awkward? Um, yes. Usually when presented with anything religious, most of us -me included- get uncomfortable. We tend to avoid acknowledging others, or even our own, belief systems in such a public setting. Though the timing of this experience certainly contributed to the uncomfortability, the sentiment seemed genuine and pure of heart.

A dear friend of mine who was witness to this experience said later that the interaction was breathtaking. That it reminded her that there is so much we can do for one another, even when we think it’s not our place to do so.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn throughout this experience is accepting help. I still struggle with it, tending to do more than I should when I am feeling well. Help, however, can take on different shapes and doesn’t always have to “look” like what we expect it to.

She went on to say that how I handled the interaction showed my acceptance of what is happening to me now, my faith in what is planned for me, as well as my faith in others and in what’s to come.

Her words left me squishy in the heart, teary eyed, and speechless (which seems to be happening often on this journey).

I can’t take full credit for this, though. I have to say a prayer of thanks for this wildly diverse but equally amazing collection of help-givers.

It is you that has opened my heart wider, restored my faith, given me hope when the stores are low, and showed me the true meaning of agape (unconditional love). I can only hope to do these actions, and you, justice as I journey to healing and health.

After all, we’re all just walking each other home.

Love and light, always 

al

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

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One of Lili’s favorite books is The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

The story takes us on a journey of a beautiful birth, travel, a seemingly endless hunger, and subsequent gluttony. Throughout the caterpillar’s adventures, he continues to grow. So much so, he becomes a fat caterpillar and no longer has his insatiable hunger. Because of his choices, he is stuffed to the point of feeling sick. He then realizes that eating a leaf is a much better choice, wraps himself in his cocoon, and in the span of two weeks, he performs this incredible metamorphosis to become a beautiful butterfly.

I wonder though, when the caterpillar goes into his cocoon, what is he thinking? Does he know if his metamorphosis is going to happen? Does he have blind faith that it will? Does he reflect on the cake and ice cream and travel? Does he fret, thinking the two weeks is endless and he’ll never get out to be what he wants the world to see – a beautiful butterfly?

When we are born, we are this incredibly fragile clean slate. Much of our early life is not a result of our choices, but those choices of others nevertheless help form us into who we become.

Many of you know the stories of my past that have led me to be…well, me. Difficulties, challenges, and less than stellar circumstances provide these beautiful lessons. Lessons that come back to visit, kinda like they’re saying “Hey! Remember me? What choices are you going to make now?”. Sometimes, you eat the damn cake, sometimes you choose the salad, and sometimes there isn’t a choice. All nourishes you in some way.

I am weary, friends. To me, chemo is like the cake. It feeds you – keeping you alive and all that (go ahead and laugh, the irony is not lost here) – but man, it makes you sick. It makes you lonely. It hurts in ways that are hard to describe.
Then you find the leaf – the love, the visits, the messages, family, and all – and those things lift you up, make you feel better. Still, you are overwhelmed, you are busting at the seams like that fat caterpillar.

The time is near to make my cocoon…

The Light Returns

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Happy Sunday, lovelies.

I have news!!!!!

First, I had a mid treatment MRI scan done last Monday. The scan was done to see how the cancer responded to the “red devil” portion of my treatment and to determine if I would be able to flip over to the next phase.

50% REDUCTION OF ALL TUMORS!!!!!!!!!!!

I’mma say it again:

50% REDUCTION!!!!!!

On the phone with the doctor, I was all composed and whatnot saying “Oh! That’s great news! Yay!”. As soon as I hung up, I BURST into tears. I cannot properly express to you the relief I felt in that moment. ALL of the sick, ALL of the exhaustion, ALL of the shit felt…justified.

Because, let me tell you, the past 4 weeks -in particular – have been so, so hard. It’s not only the physical sickness. Going through something like this…depression and anxiety become your sidekicks. Unwanted and unwelcome, but they don’t understand social cues or even clearly stated boundaries. They come in without knocking, park their ass on your couch, and make themselves at home.

The desire to DO something, anything, digs at me everyday. Anyone who knows me knows I operate at one speed, GO. When going to Walgreens to pick up a prescription wears you out, it’s obvious that one has to slow down.

With that in mind, I figured helping others in a way that didn’t completely exhaust me would be a good thing. I have some things up my sleeve. Stay tuned…

 

As always, I cannot tell you what your support mean to not only me, but M and the girls as well.

I leave you with this, created by the oh-so-talented Brian Andreas and sent to me by my soul sister, L.

Love and light, always 

l

Well, fuck.

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avaThis image brings me to tears. The sheer joy and confidence she shows here is just so stunning, it takes my breath away.

And while her leap is impressive in its own right, what makes it so special is the story behind HOW she got to this point.

What we don’t see is the hours and hours of dance practice. The tears earned from falls or exhaustion or improper stretching. The desire to quit or just take a break from it all. The feeling that, no matter how hard she tried, she would “never get it”.

This girl, this incredible and smart and strong girl, the one who blessed me with the name Mumma…she teaches me something everyday. She, many times, shoves me out of my comfort zone and makes me heart-breaking-ly EARN that right.

The night before chemo is the hardest. She knows and I know what’s coming. We both head to bed, following our same bedtime routines that inevitably don’t happen as planned. I hear her pace back and forth to the bathroom or I hear her footsteps coming down the stairs, hours past bedtime. And after a short conversation, we both head back to her bed for me to tuck her in.

Mumma, what happens if you die?
What is going to happen?

Well, fuck.
Thankfully, that is not what tumbled out of my mouth.

I told her, through my tears and hers, that that would not be happening if I had anything to do with it. That is why I’m doing this thing that makes me so sick, I question my sanity. That is why, even though I could barely stand, I would be going to her dance comp that following weekend – to show her I wasn’t going anywhere.

But.

But.

If it did happen, I wouldn’t be going down without one hell of a fight. And we have plans and things in place if that was to happen, cancer or no cancer.

In that moment, she blessed me yet again. I became even more DETERMINED to live the hell out of this life.

It gets hard to see the positive in this experience. It gets hard to feel confident that we are strong enough to make it through. It is DAMN hard to see what the lesson is in this.

Being able to witness her soaring through the air? THAT is the best lesson, if you ask me.

Love and light, always 💜❣️💜

The Beginning of Grace

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Hey there! It has been an emotional couple of days. I wanted to give you an update but first I want to say…

I am HUMBLED. The outpouring of support (all means of support) has left me pretty speechless, which is an accomplishment in its own right! Words could never express the sheer gratitude I have for all of you (and some people I don’t know too!). 💜

On to the latest:

Had my breast MRI last night. Quite an experience that I hope none of you have to go through. BUT it was successful and we should know so much more detail about how invasive “Lumpy” really is. The concern is the proximity to my chest wall and my lymph nodes and whether it has gotten its sticky fingers into either.

Thursday, I will have a PET scan. That will get a snapshot of my entire body to see if any of those pesky cancer cells have traveled beyond the breast. High protein, low/no sugar and carb diet for me starting tomorrow and for the foreseeable future. Cancer loves to feast on glucose and we’re all set with feeding the beast.

Chemo is up first. As long as I can get my port placed this week, we will start with the A/C portion of my chemo treatment next week! (Mini freak out!)

I have decided to cut my hair into a pixie to help ease the transition to being bald. I’ll post pics when I get it done.

Thank you all for…well, everything.

Love and light, always 

Ugly Cry

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ugly cry

Me today, at yoga. Something about downward dog and releasing emotions stored in my hips. For those in attendance, thank you for being witness to my first real cry…even if it was my ugly cry. 

For those who weren’t lucky enough to see the mess, picture this:

Me losing my balance attempting Tree Pose, dropping down into Child’s Pose, and then uncontrollable sobbing. I am pretty sure the girl on the mat next to me could not wait to run as far away from me as possible. I sobbed for the remaining 40 or so minutes, creating a wonderful puddle of snot, tears, and drool. Once I was done sobbing, I stood up and finished the last few poses, tears still streaming down my face.

Clearly, I needed the cry. I am thankful that I was surrounded by love.

Love and Light, Always 

7 Days

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Hey y’all.

So much information that my head feels like  and my  needed a break. Here we go:

Met with the plastic surgeon yesterday morning. Momma’s getting a brand new…image .

In all seriousness, the double mastectomy and reconstruction comes with some considerable risks , especially since I’ll most likely be under anesthesia for 6-8+ hours. We were able to get the whole process explained, got to feel what will be in my body, and learn some of the risk factors involved. Overall, very confident about the whole process.

Later, we met with the oncologist. This was the appointment that made this so real. It’s been a surreal experience, almost like watching a movie.

Since Mark and I are such A type researchaholics, we knew quite a bit heading in, but hearing it out loud was…whoa. I will have 8 total rounds of chemo spaced out every 2 weeks for a total of 16 weeks of time in treatment. 16 weeks…but as my wise MIL said, some things just can’t be hurried. As expected, I will lose my hair…all of it. Positives out of that is, well…being ALIVE, and no more shaving (for a while, at least)! They have a medication that they give you alongside the chemo that is a booster of sorts for my white blood cells that will hopefully help with the dips (i.e. feeling like ). My plan is to find some fun scarves, maybe a wig or 2 (hello purple hair!!!), and to attend a free seminar about taking care of your skin during treatment. We have the breast MRI and the PET Scan scheduled next week to round out the diagnostics.

Today, I had my IUD removed (don’t want to feed this tumor with any additional hormones!) and my labs done. Waiting on any additional things that need to happen today.

Still undetermined whether surgery or chemo is first. Once we know, I’ll let you know.

I’ve left out some of the more nitty gritty details.

And lastly, send some universe vibes to Mark and the girls. Mark has been so amazing. We talked to Ava last night and my first baby is such a strong girl . With Lili being so young, we are working out a way to tell her the whole story in a way she’d understand.

It’s been 7 days since diagnosis. We’ve just begun.

Your love and support is incredible. Part of why we’re handling all of this with humor and confidence and grace is because of you 

Love and light, always