Breast Cancer

Happy Dance!

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Happy Dance Time!

At my Thursday nurse’s appointment, we were told that my white blood cell and platelet count was way lower than they had hoped, even with the immunobooster shot. We scheduled a follow up lab for Monday.

They’re up!!!! Even better than my baseline (levels before chemo)! That means we can continue on pace 😁😁😁

Today, I had the (un)fortunate experience of a colonoscopy. Honestly, the procedure (aside from the bellyache and exhaustion post procedure) was easy compared to the prep. Oh God, the prep…the thought of the massive gallon of yuck they make you drink is still making me gag 🤢 Anyway….the colonoscopy was ordered to explore the hotspot in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen found on my PET scan.

I am ALL CLEAR (and in more ways than one….lol 🤭).

Such a huge relief with both of these results!

Onward and upward with love and light, always

q

Courage

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Your courage is BIGGER than your fear.

These are the words I told Ava, while tears rolled down her face and her hiccups escaped her lips, bouncing her body like when you hit unexpected pot holes in the rain. Lili, in the other room with Mark, was trying to figuratively climb into his skin, wanting – needing – to cuddle with him, melding her body to his to feel his heartbeat.

This journey has hit my babies, hard. They each express their fear so differently, it’s like watching two different movies about the same subject.

Your courage is BIGGER than your fear.

I went to bed that night, after calming fears and validating feelings and lots of hugs and kisses, tears escaping my eyes unannounced and unaware. Sleep was elusive, expectedly. It made me angry and sad…that hot and searing anger and the kind of sadness that comes from the depths of your being.

I thought, how can we make our new mantra tangible?

I woke the girls up at 6:30 in the morning (Ava had a full day of dance ahead of her, starting with an 8a class) and asked them to help me show that my courage was bigger than my fear. And as they looked on, I shaved my head.

It was the most incredibly liberating thing I have ever done. I needed to show them that, even in the face of adversity and shit, you still have the ability to overcome it.

Ava went on that day to dance her heart out on stage, applying our newly learned lesson later that night by pulling her loose tooth out on her own. Lili behaved way better than expected when faced with hours of sitting and danced in the aisles when the music moved her.

I’m sure there will be many more moments of bringing our new mantra to life. Because fear will tell you “I can’t”, but our courage will say, “Watch me”.

Love and Light, Always 

w

Scandalous Generosity

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My lovely people.

The past few days have sucked. You really take for granted the ability to lift your head, hold your phone, just breathe.

There have been moments of doubt (I can’t possibly do this…), moments of dread (what if it’s like this the whole time…), moments of anger (why are we treating this so aggressively, others are able to work/walk/exist, why can’t I?), and finally moments of despair (just hot, hot tears…).

But each time those moments appeared, there was something equally glorious happening. Mark’s steady and calming love crashing over me in waves, Ava and Lili’s intrinsic ability to comfort and motivate, friends and family swooping in to carry the burden, and the freedom to cry it out. The messages lift and carry us through those lows, even when I cannot respond.

Today, I bear witness to the scandalous generosity and outrageous love this journey has shown me.

Today, I woke up able to move a bit more.

Today, I woke up.

And tomorrow, I’ll get up and do it again.

Love and light, always 

Moments

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A few have asked when I was going to post about the “real” thoughts and emotions I’ve been experiencing so far. Truth be told, what you’ve seen has been a real snapshot. That doesn’t mean there hasn’t been some dark moments.

But that’s what they are – moments.

Like the overwhelming moment of fear I experienced when Mark and I were driving home from the ER Saturday night after getting my port checked out due to extreme pain and nausea (I’m fine, just more sensitive than most in the area it was placed). At that point, it was 1am, I hadn’t eaten in hours, I hadn’t really slept the night before, and it was the first time I was “treated” like a cancer patient. It was suddenly real and quite overwhelming.

There have been a few of these moments throughout the past few weeks…when I think about the girls or Mark and how we’re going to get through this or coming to terms with temporarily losing the things that represent my femininity to the world.

Again, just moments.

I am strong. And, with your love and support, I will beat this with grace and humor.

Chemo starts on Thursday. I am equal parts excited and terrified. We are on the precipice of the hardest challenge of my life. But I have faith. And I have the support of the most incredible people in this world, people who have made words incapable of properly expressing the sheer magnitude of thanks and gratitude I have ever experienced.

Onward and upward.

Love and light, always 

moments

It’s Just Hair

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Hi there.

It’s done, as you have seen. While I love the cut and the fun color, it’s still a bit of a shock to my system. Thank you for all the comments and messages, it certainly helps me feel empowered and bad ass!

hair3

More news was delivered by my incredible and amazing surgical oncologist, Dr. Alosi. Knowing that the weekend would have been tough to get through without news, she called me in between emergency surgeries she was performing last night…talk about having someone in your corner!!!

Breast MRI results:

They located another tumor in my right breast. It is directly above the current one, on the skin side (that’s good news amidst bad news as it’s not near my chest wall). They also discovered 3 additional tumors in my left breast, each about a centimeter in size. The good news is that they don’t see anything in my lymph nodes in my chest. So, onward with our current plan to do the bilateral mastectomy with sentinel node biopsies on both the right and left side during the surgery.

PET scan results:

PET scan confirmed all of the information above with the addition of some metabolic activity in the lymph nodes in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen. This could be something or it could be nothing. Increased metabolic activity in the lymph system in that area could be a result of an infection or virus making its way out or due to where one is in their menstrual cycle. My case will be presented for the 4th week in a row in the interdisciplinary meeting they have every Tuesday morning. We’ll know more about direction then.

Still no chemo start date as we believe the oncologist was waiting on these results.

Lastly, we went and tried on a few wigs…a sad and hilarious experience. I’m still unsure of my feelings so I’m going to just live with them until they reveal themselves. I will, however, say this: I am definitely not a blonde!

Love and light, always 

Update

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Hello lovelies!

Just wanted to pop in and say hello.

Had my PET scan this morning. It went well, definitely an experience (I’m noticing a theme here). I was still radioactive (que the musical references!) up until about 5:30, which is kind of a freaky thing to think about! It also took a lot longer than I had anticipated, between the waiting for the solution to make it through my whole body and then the actual scan.

The results of my MRI are in BUT I don’t know what they are as I haven’t heard back from the doc yet… frustrating but I know she’s super busy cutting cancer out of other folks.

Tomorrow will be a big day: port placement, MRI results, PET scan results, chemo start date, a pixie haircut, some visitors…like whoa!

Saturday, I’ll be getting to try on some wigs at a place in Worcester. Pics to follow!

Lastly, but certainly not least-ly ,

THANK YOU for your support through the GoFundMe, the messages, cards, and unexpected gifts/offers for services.

I’ll leave you with some incredible advice:

You’ll have many moments that will stop you in your tracks… just remember to breathe… we are the ones who are humbled, to be present and witness your fierceness as you waiver through.  -JConway

Keep this amazing sentiment in mind for it is true of all of you as well 

Love and light, always