Breast Cancer

The Big C

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On Christmas Day, I discovered a lump.

Within a week, I was having a mammogram, ultrasound, and a rush biopsy done.

Friday, January 5th, 2018, I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC), i.e. the most common form of Breast Cancer.

I orginally started blogging on a Facebook group page (found here) to have one place to document my journey and to share the incredible acts of love and support from my family and friends.

Because of the success of that page and many, many suggestions to blog officially, I created grace + f.bombs. My hope is that my journey through cancer, life, parenting, and more will help you in some way…or at least be entertaining!

Enjoy reading!

Love and Light, Always 

Mastectomy Day

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UPDATE #1 (from Mark)
Hi everyone, I have great news!! I just received the call from the surgical oncologist. She said the surgery went very well. She was able to make very small incisions, “the smallest in her career”, to perform both mastectomies. Her lymph nodes all felt great and don’t appear to have cancer (a few were sent to biopsy to confirm her suspicions). We should have confirmation in 7-10 days. The surgeon also said she had zero complications and we have the best possible outcome we could have hoped for. The plastic surgeon is already done with her right side and is actively working on the left. She has been stable the entire time and I should expect a call from the plastic surgeon in 1.5 – 2 hours.

UPDATE #2 (from Mark)
More great news! Phase one of Jen’s reconstruction surgery is complete and they finished ahead of schedule because it went so smoothly. They were able to use the incisions from the mastectomies “as is” with no need to make larger incisions. She is in recovery and will hopefully have a room by 8PM. Today was a complete success and we appreciate all of you for your love and support throughout this entire experience.

UPDATE #3 (from Mark, day after surgery)
Jen is doing FABULOUS and they’re confident she’ll be released today.

She still has a lot of healing to do, but can we all just say… What a flippin’ ROCKSTAR?!?! I know all your love, support, thoughts, and prayers have meant the world to Jen and the whole family 💜 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 💜💜💜

Isn’t he the sweetest? I did surprisingly well with this surgery – not a whole lot of pain, barely used my pain button, and slept well. I was released before dinner the day after surgery.

I had a fantastic care team and a wonderful group of supporters praying for me.

Rainbows in the storm, folks.

Love and light, always 💜

Surgery Eve

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Today is my grandmother’s 95th birthday. In her 95 years, she has experienced love, heartache, birth, deaths, rebirth, poverty, has moved to two different countries, and countless other life experiences that has shaped not only her life, but who she is. She is one of the strongest women I know.

On her birthday and on the eve of my surgery, I can’t help but think about all that she has been through. I also can’t help but think about all that she has conquered and overcome. Knowing her blood flows through my veins gives me solace and settles my anxiety a bit.

To say I am not nervous would be a lie. Instead of all of the activities planned for today, I took the day to myself. I thought about my life, this journey, and all that I’ve learned along the way.

In a way, this journey has been a gift. To truly understand your own strength, to truly appreciate the amazing people surrounding you, and to truly acknowledge all of the blessings in life takes an incredible act of God. At first, it doesn’t seem to be a positive thing. But life is all about perspective, yes?

A dear friend said to me today that we’ve made it to the other side. This leg of my journey may be ending but I’m just getting started.

Love and light, always 💜

A side note: updates will be posted to this page. Thank you for your love and support. See you soon 💜

Boob Voyage!

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We had an amazing weekend full of love, and laughter, and friends. We said ta-ta to my tatas, ate food lovingly prepared by all, with conversation connecting old friends and new. It was a beautiful celebration of the power of villages and of seeing the humanity in our human-ness. When I say my family and I are blessed, I mean it with my whole soul.

Less than a week away from the next step of my journey. Surgery is scheduled for June 4th. I will be in surgery for 6-8 hours. This will be the final test, along with my PET scan declaring no evidence of disease (!) in (hopefully) receiving a proclamation of being cancer free!

Today, I’m meeting with the endocrinologist to decide on the treatment plan for what they believe is a pituitary adenoma in my brain. I am just so relieved that it is not cancer.

We joke that I’ll be seeing every medical specialty at least once throughout this. The reality is that cancer is never just your initial diagnosis. But I’d see every doctor and take every test so I can live with radical aliveness, share in scandalous generosity, and practice in contagious kindness.

Love and light, always 💜

jen.1

Dancing Queen

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I was part of an incredible event this past weekend, where I had the honor of being a bridesmaid for one of my oldest friends. The wedding was a beautiful celebration of hope, of love, of overcoming adversity, and with all eyes focused on the future life and family the newlyweds will create together. There’s the promise to have and to hold through the good and the bad and to embrace both experiences as there are lessons in both.

I think, too, that it’s a promise and an exercise that carries beyond marriage vows. Seeing the joy in the everyday, loving with wild abandon, fully experiencing life without worrying about judgement, and the beautiful lessons in challenges, can carry you through all that life has to offer.

It’s a message I chose to embody after news we received on Friday.

I had a head CT scan on Thursday because I’ve been experiencing persistent headaches. When the on-call doctor called me the next day, I wasn’t expecting the vague but concerning answer. While there’s no evidence of prominent metastatic disease, there is an “area of concern” in the center of my brain where there is a thickening of tissue. Because of a scan I had back in October, they have a baseline in which to compare my most recent scan to, where this area of concern did not exist. In fact, they said that my brain was unremarkable 🤨

I am now the lucky recipient of another MRI, scheduled for this Thursday.

I told a dear friend yesterday that this journey is teaching me lots of virtues, one being patience. Patience in waiting for an answer, in dealing with the insurance company, in not jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Another is faith. Faith in that I was put on this Earth to accomplish more than the meager impact I’ve had thus far, in that I WILL see my girls graduate or get married or become mothers themselves, in that this is NOT how my story is supposed to end…

At the reception, I danced until my legs were begging for a break. I danced until I was so hot I whipped my wig off without a care in the world of who might judge me or be shocked.

I danced because I COULD.

My lovely village, I hope you will choose to do the same.

Love and light, always 💜

she

Radical Aliveness

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It’s 4am and I am awake. My joints are throbbing, my bones ache, and my mouth is drier than the Sahara. As I lie in bed, I listen to the sounds of my family sleeping. Deep sighs, mumbled words, and peace surrounds me. My heart rate ticks up a bit as I get angry over the fact that I am not sleeping and that I’m still hurting. I contemplate getting up to grab some more medication to numb the pain and drown out the world for a few more hours. Responsibility weighs heavy on my mind and I choose to power through the discomfort as we have a lot to take care of in the morning and I need to be present. Checks need to be written for various school activities, a culturally and historically appropriate outfit needs to be curated for the Immigration Simulation, and general hygiene reminders need to be given, as they are every. single. morning. I sigh, turn over in bed, and attempt to sleep.

It’s funny, even now – after all of the scans and appointments and treatments, when I say out loud that I have cancer, it still doesn’t seem real. I look in the mirror at my baldness and puffiness from my last treatment and I don’t think cancer. I think, ohmygosh, is that a new wrinkle? Should I try an anti-inflammatory diet? Priorities, amiright?

My diagnosis hits me when getting out of bed, I can’t walk. When I need to be present for the girls and have to decide between my own comfort or getting shit done. When I get mad at the sun for shining because that means that I’m wasting a beautiful day away sleeping.

But it hits me especially when I don’t manage my own expectations. Sometimes we create our own heartbreak by failing to do so.

Here’s what I’m working on.

I am using this as a reminder. A reminder that the “proximity” of death should propel us to live with radical aliveness. That, even as we fight for life, life is happening still. The pain, the discomfort, the responsibilities are proof that you are still HERE. It might not be pretty, it might be a down right mess, but I’ll be damned if I let it get away.

What does your radical aliveness look like?

Love and Light, always 

We made it!

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chemo

WE MADE IT! Last day of chemo!!!!

I am stupidly emotional and I’ve been flipping between laughing and crying. Because of this, I am not terribly eloquent so please forgive the brevity of my words.

But…

We made it. Fucking Finally. 

Love and light, always 

Grace and Gratitude

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One of my guilty pleasures is watching The Voice. We don’t watch TV in our house but you better be sure that you’re quiet and out of Mama’s way when it’s on.

This season, there’s a contestant named Rayshun LaMarr, whose enthusiasm for life is just…well, bigger than life. Aside from his talent, he has this big, charismatic personality that is driven by his gratitude for everything.

At first, I thought to myself – he’s a little strange, there’s something “off” about him. I mean, no one can be THAT happy ALL of the time. Now, granted, we don’t see all of the moments as it is a TV show, but something about his energy and joy made me think about how we view the world. I mean, here I am, in my little bubble of the universe *judging* a complete stranger because he’s TOO happy. As if, being filled with joy and grace, makes him strange or that there’s something wrong with him. Why do we become uncomfortable when someone expresses genuine gratitude?

What if, maybe, there’s something wrong with our lens?

This journey has taught me quite a bit. One of the bigger lessons, though, has been about this scandalous generosity we’ve been blessed with and my response to it. There have been so, so many times that I have felt that words alone, nevermind a simple thank you, could ever properly express the sheer size of my gratitude. I worry that my expression of thanks lacks in its ability to accurately communicate how much your action filled me with love or made my life better.

Here’s a request folks. Along with me, let’s change out our lenses. Let us live our lives with intentional thanksgiving and acknowledge our positive contributions to this world with a hearty “you are so welcome”. Let us experience the joy of the sunshine AND the rain.

After all, if you are feeling the warmth of the sun or the coolness of the storm, it means that you are ALIVE.

With my new lens on, I leave you with this:

Thank you.

Love and light, always 💜tg

Wink, wink.

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There is no experience quite like getting eyelash glue into your actual eye. It is, however, teaching me quite a lesson about being vain 😂😂😂

Off to chemo day #6 (only 2 more left after today!!!!). This pic of Popeye is a pretty good representation of my look for today 🤪

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Love and light (and glue remover) 💜❣️💜

Well, fuck.

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avaThis image brings me to tears. The sheer joy and confidence she shows here is just so stunning, it takes my breath away.

And while her leap is impressive in its own right, what makes it so special is the story behind HOW she got to this point.

What we don’t see is the hours and hours of dance practice. The tears earned from falls or exhaustion or improper stretching. The desire to quit or just take a break from it all. The feeling that, no matter how hard she tried, she would “never get it”.

This girl, this incredible and smart and strong girl, the one who blessed me with the name Mumma…she teaches me something everyday. She, many times, shoves me out of my comfort zone and makes me heart-breaking-ly EARN that right.

The night before chemo is the hardest. She knows and I know what’s coming. We both head to bed, following our same bedtime routines that inevitably don’t happen as planned. I hear her pace back and forth to the bathroom or I hear her footsteps coming down the stairs, hours past bedtime. And after a short conversation, we both head back to her bed for me to tuck her in.

Mumma, what happens if you die?
What is going to happen?

Well, fuck.
Thankfully, that is not what tumbled out of my mouth.

I told her, through my tears and hers, that that would not be happening if I had anything to do with it. That is why I’m doing this thing that makes me so sick, I question my sanity. That is why, even though I could barely stand, I would be going to her dance comp that following weekend – to show her I wasn’t going anywhere.

But.

But.

If it did happen, I wouldn’t be going down without one hell of a fight. And we have plans and things in place if that was to happen, cancer or no cancer.

In that moment, she blessed me yet again. I became even more DETERMINED to live the hell out of this life.

It gets hard to see the positive in this experience. It gets hard to feel confident that we are strong enough to make it through. It is DAMN hard to see what the lesson is in this.

Being able to witness her soaring through the air? THAT is the best lesson, if you ask me.

Love and light, always 💜❣️💜