bald and beautiful

Dancing Queen

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I was part of an incredible event this past weekend, where I had the honor of being a bridesmaid for one of my oldest friends. The wedding was a beautiful celebration of hope, of love, of overcoming adversity, and with all eyes focused on the future life and family the newlyweds will create together. There’s the promise to have and to hold through the good and the bad and to embrace both experiences as there are lessons in both.

I think, too, that it’s a promise and an exercise that carries beyond marriage vows. Seeing the joy in the everyday, loving with wild abandon, fully experiencing life without worrying about judgement, and the beautiful lessons in challenges, can carry you through all that life has to offer.

It’s a message I chose to embody after news we received on Friday.

I had a head CT scan on Thursday because I’ve been experiencing persistent headaches. When the on-call doctor called me the next day, I wasn’t expecting the vague but concerning answer. While there’s no evidence of prominent metastatic disease, there is an “area of concern” in the center of my brain where there is a thickening of tissue. Because of a scan I had back in October, they have a baseline in which to compare my most recent scan to, where this area of concern did not exist. In fact, they said that my brain was unremarkable 🤨

I am now the lucky recipient of another MRI, scheduled for this Thursday.

I told a dear friend yesterday that this journey is teaching me lots of virtues, one being patience. Patience in waiting for an answer, in dealing with the insurance company, in not jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Another is faith. Faith in that I was put on this Earth to accomplish more than the meager impact I’ve had thus far, in that I WILL see my girls graduate or get married or become mothers themselves, in that this is NOT how my story is supposed to end…

At the reception, I danced until my legs were begging for a break. I danced until I was so hot I whipped my wig off without a care in the world of who might judge me or be shocked.

I danced because I COULD.

My lovely village, I hope you will choose to do the same.

Love and light, always 💜

she

Getting Wiggy with it

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After a disappointing experience at one wig shop (see post here), I am happy to report that I have found a wig! Here are the final choices. Which one is your favorite?

Courage

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Your courage is BIGGER than your fear.

These are the words I told Ava, while tears rolled down her face and her hiccups escaped her lips, bouncing her body like when you hit unexpected pot holes in the rain. Lili, in the other room with Mark, was trying to figuratively climb into his skin, wanting – needing – to cuddle with him, melding her body to his to feel his heartbeat.

This journey has hit my babies, hard. They each express their fear so differently, it’s like watching two different movies about the same subject.

Your courage is BIGGER than your fear.

I went to bed that night, after calming fears and validating feelings and lots of hugs and kisses, tears escaping my eyes unannounced and unaware. Sleep was elusive, expectedly. It made me angry and sad…that hot and searing anger and the kind of sadness that comes from the depths of your being.

I thought, how can we make our new mantra tangible?

I woke the girls up at 6:30 in the morning (Ava had a full day of dance ahead of her, starting with an 8a class) and asked them to help me show that my courage was bigger than my fear. And as they looked on, I shaved my head.

It was the most incredibly liberating thing I have ever done. I needed to show them that, even in the face of adversity and shit, you still have the ability to overcome it.

Ava went on that day to dance her heart out on stage, applying our newly learned lesson later that night by pulling her loose tooth out on her own. Lili behaved way better than expected when faced with hours of sitting and danced in the aisles when the music moved her.

I’m sure there will be many more moments of bringing our new mantra to life. Because fear will tell you “I can’t”, but our courage will say, “Watch me”.

Love and Light, Always 

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