Author: graceandfbombs

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

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One of Lili’s favorite books is The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

The story takes us on a journey of a beautiful birth, travel, a seemingly endless hunger, and subsequent gluttony. Throughout the caterpillar’s adventures, he continues to grow. So much so, he becomes a fat caterpillar and no longer has his insatiable hunger. Because of his choices, he is stuffed to the point of feeling sick. He then realizes that eating a leaf is a much better choice, wraps himself in his cocoon, and in the span of two weeks, he performs this incredible metamorphosis to become a beautiful butterfly.

I wonder though, when the caterpillar goes into his cocoon, what is he thinking? Does he know if his metamorphosis is going to happen? Does he have blind faith that it will? Does he reflect on the cake and ice cream and travel? Does he fret, thinking the two weeks is endless and he’ll never get out to be what he wants the world to see – a beautiful butterfly?

When we are born, we are this incredibly fragile clean slate. Much of our early life is not a result of our choices, but those choices of others nevertheless help form us into who we become.

Many of you know the stories of my past that have led me to be…well, me. Difficulties, challenges, and less than stellar circumstances provide these beautiful lessons. Lessons that come back to visit, kinda like they’re saying “Hey! Remember me? What choices are you going to make now?”. Sometimes, you eat the damn cake, sometimes you choose the salad, and sometimes there isn’t a choice. All nourishes you in some way.

I am weary, friends. To me, chemo is like the cake. It feeds you – keeping you alive and all that (go ahead and laugh, the irony is not lost here) – but man, it makes you sick. It makes you lonely. It hurts in ways that are hard to describe.
Then you find the leaf – the love, the visits, the messages, family, and all – and those things lift you up, make you feel better. Still, you are overwhelmed, you are busting at the seams like that fat caterpillar.

The time is near to make my cocoon…

The Light Returns

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Happy Sunday, lovelies.

I have news!!!!!

First, I had a mid treatment MRI scan done last Monday. The scan was done to see how the cancer responded to the “red devil” portion of my treatment and to determine if I would be able to flip over to the next phase.

50% REDUCTION OF ALL TUMORS!!!!!!!!!!!

I’mma say it again:

50% REDUCTION!!!!!!

On the phone with the doctor, I was all composed and whatnot saying “Oh! That’s great news! Yay!”. As soon as I hung up, I BURST into tears. I cannot properly express to you the relief I felt in that moment. ALL of the sick, ALL of the exhaustion, ALL of the shit felt…justified.

Because, let me tell you, the past 4 weeks -in particular – have been so, so hard. It’s not only the physical sickness. Going through something like this…depression and anxiety become your sidekicks. Unwanted and unwelcome, but they don’t understand social cues or even clearly stated boundaries. They come in without knocking, park their ass on your couch, and make themselves at home.

The desire to DO something, anything, digs at me everyday. Anyone who knows me knows I operate at one speed, GO. When going to Walgreens to pick up a prescription wears you out, it’s obvious that one has to slow down.

With that in mind, I figured helping others in a way that didn’t completely exhaust me would be a good thing. I have some things up my sleeve. Stay tuned…

 

As always, I cannot tell you what your support mean to not only me, but M and the girls as well.

I leave you with this, created by the oh-so-talented Brian Andreas and sent to me by my soul sister, L.

Love and light, always 

l

Well, fuck.

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avaThis image brings me to tears. The sheer joy and confidence she shows here is just so stunning, it takes my breath away.

And while her leap is impressive in its own right, what makes it so special is the story behind HOW she got to this point.

What we don’t see is the hours and hours of dance practice. The tears earned from falls or exhaustion or improper stretching. The desire to quit or just take a break from it all. The feeling that, no matter how hard she tried, she would “never get it”.

This girl, this incredible and smart and strong girl, the one who blessed me with the name Mumma…she teaches me something everyday. She, many times, shoves me out of my comfort zone and makes me heart-breaking-ly EARN that right.

The night before chemo is the hardest. She knows and I know what’s coming. We both head to bed, following our same bedtime routines that inevitably don’t happen as planned. I hear her pace back and forth to the bathroom or I hear her footsteps coming down the stairs, hours past bedtime. And after a short conversation, we both head back to her bed for me to tuck her in.

Mumma, what happens if you die?
What is going to happen?

Well, fuck.
Thankfully, that is not what tumbled out of my mouth.

I told her, through my tears and hers, that that would not be happening if I had anything to do with it. That is why I’m doing this thing that makes me so sick, I question my sanity. That is why, even though I could barely stand, I would be going to her dance comp that following weekend – to show her I wasn’t going anywhere.

But.

But.

If it did happen, I wouldn’t be going down without one hell of a fight. And we have plans and things in place if that was to happen, cancer or no cancer.

In that moment, she blessed me yet again. I became even more DETERMINED to live the hell out of this life.

It gets hard to see the positive in this experience. It gets hard to feel confident that we are strong enough to make it through. It is DAMN hard to see what the lesson is in this.

Being able to witness her soaring through the air? THAT is the best lesson, if you ask me.

Love and light, always 💜❣️💜

Halfway

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j

This expression right here is how I feel about round 4 today. Determined, anxious, tired, and a little irritated, if I’m being completely honest. The last round kicked my 🍑 and I’ve been a nervous mess all weekend. Although, this marks the halfway point!!!!! And the last of the “red devil” drug combo. Send me your positive universe vibes, I could use them today 💜 Love and light, always 💜

Planted

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Sparks of light, in a dark so dark, it resembles the murky depths of the bottom of the ocean.

A gasp of sweet, sweet air at the exact moment where one might think of just letting go.

Water for a plant, wilting under the burden of staying alive in arid conditions.

This is what this treatment feels like. It takes you to places you think you cannot overcome, you cannot survive.

This has been, by far, the hardest round yet. I have been in bed for the better part of the week…unable to do more than an occasional shower, a chat with a friend, or to scroll the internet-resting my phone on a pillow.

But let me tell you this:

Those sparks of light, they remind you of how much you’ve overcome. That gasp of air reminds you of the sweetness of living. And that water, it reminds you of what feeds your soul.

Thank you for being a bit of my light, my air, and my water.

Love and light, always 💜❣️💜

b

Leaning in with Grace

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j2

This is me. Raw and real.

This is what post chemo exhaustion looks like. This is me, completely bald, as my hair finally made its way out after a shower the other day.

I have this whole idea of leaning in with grace. Leaning into the discomfort. Leaning into the pain. Leaning into the frustration, the exhaustion, the tears, the loss of my outward identity, the sheer bullshit that this whole thing is.

Leaning in means that you allow those emotions to exist, you live in them and give them their due course.

Grace allows you to recognize them for what they are and accept them. Grace allows you to see the sun shining, to hear the laughter of your babies, to see the love of people jumping in to help or offer support.

Grace allows you to exist beyond the pain, discomfort, and all of the other shit.

Thank God for grace.

Love and light, always 💜

Love

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Today is our anniversary. 7 years. 7 beautiful, tragic, amazing, hard, love and life filled years together. We have been through moves, having a preemie, buying a house, parenting decisions, grief, joy, disagreements, birthdays, career changes, personal growth, and all of the other things that come with building a life together.

And here we are, in our biggest challenge yet.

You’ve held my trembling hand in your steady one. You’ve wiped my tears away, your gaze never wavering. You see my beauty when I’m at my worst. You’ve laughed at really inappropriate jokes with me, adding levity to a time weighed down by unspoken fears and sometimes unrelenting sickness.

Through it all, there has been one thing that has been easy.

Loving you.

God has blessed me so, with you.

y

Badassery

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I’m a mutant! 

I figured, with my new status, I should have some kind of alter ego…this one seems to fit the bill:
Purple hair 
Badass attitude 
RBF 
Perfect body <in progress>
Perfect rack <coming soon>

In all seriousness, I received a call from my genetic counselor (yes, you get one of those sometimes with this diagnosis). Turns out, we have the answer as to why I developed breast cancer, seemingly out of nowhere with barely any family history.

I have the BRCA2+ and CHEK2+ genetic mutations. You can Google the specifics, if you’d like, but the short of it is that I have an increased lifetime chance of up to 85% of developing breast cancer (of course, the ONE TIME I am like the general population ) and an increased chance of developing ovarian, colon, pancreatic, and skin cancers.

It’s overwhelming to think, that just by existing, my body is a ticking time bomb…waiting for the moment that proteins combine just right or for a cell to grow or reproduce just slightly off kilter and BAM…

BUT, if you know me…. Fuck that noise.

So, we’re doing the bilateral mastectomy (already decided). I will possibly have my ovaries removed during that surgery (they will be coming out regardless). I will need to have colonoscopies every 3-5 years with yearly GI appointments. I will need to have photo documented dermatology appointments every year.

Because I’ll be damned if I don’t get to see my girls grow up- all the way up.
Because I’ll be damned if I don’t get to love – and torture – M for the rest of ever.
Because I’ll be damned if I have to do this again.

I really like this super hero image I found. I’m imagining the pink fire she has shooting out of her hand as love. ‘Cause #lovealwayswins.

Love and Light, Always 

n

Getting Wiggy with it

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After a disappointing experience at one wig shop (see post here), I am happy to report that I have found a wig! Here are the final choices. Which one is your favorite?